Theodore's World: GI Humor ~ Share Some If You Like

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April 09, 2006

GI Humor ~ Share Some If You Like


During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves - the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put mess on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."

Murphy's rules for combat: #5 When in doubt...empty the magazine

The General went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions - age, height, weight and then he asked when was the last time the General had sex.
"Oh", he mused, "It was 1955."
"Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.
"I don't think so. According to your clock, it's only 2113."

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a platoon sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a PFC monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $1000." The platoon sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can fire expert with small arms, score 300 on the APFT, and perform Drill & Ceremony and Small Unit Tactics with no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's an NCO monkey; it can instruct BRM, CTT, PT, D&C and SUT, and even do some paperwork. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually SEEN it do ANYTHING, but it says it's a Colonel."

A C-141 was preparing for departure from Thule Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, but the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his lack of speed and threatened him with punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule, Greenland, and I am pumping shit out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish me?"

Marching in the cold rain, the drill sergeant tells his soldiers, this is good sh*t..

Marines marching 20 miles in the cold rain, "This is great sh*t!!"

Navy SEALS crawling through cold swamps for 20 miles: "I love this sh*t!"

Airborne Rangers crawling through cold swamps infested with snakes and gators: "I live for this sh*t!"

Air force pilot, in his carpeted room, cable TV, after a 2 hour mission in his F-16, Fridge humming, full of cold beer,
and the AC goes out: "What kind of sh*t is this?"

What is the difference between a fairy tale and a war story?

A fairly tale begins with "once upon a time" and a war story begins with "and this is no $hit".

Divert Your Course

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The 5 Scariest Things in the Army!
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in basic training..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. And a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $%!#..."

Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nighstick.
The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know."
The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.
The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

Posted by Wild Thing at April 9, 2006 01:27 AM


I was a Sergeant (E-4) stationed at Norton AFB, CA back in 1977. Our C-141’s were ferrying Army troops back to home station after completing maneuvers in the Mohave Desert. Down the road at George AFB, one of our 141’s developed problems and I and 3 others were sent to repair the plane; highest ranking was a Staff Sergeant (E-5). By time we were finished, the aircrew had to go into crew rest and we needed to spend the night because the aircrew was needed to operate the engines at full power for the operational checks on the work we did. We were working with the MAC ALCE in a large hanger full of Army troops who were forced to spend the night, sleeping on the concrete floor; their (Army) officers and senior NCOs’ got to sleep on cots. In the ALCE trailer we briefed the Army Colonel and his staff on what was happening with the planes. After that, us low ranking Air Force pukes started to debate amongst ourselves on where we were going to spend the night; which of the two best hotels in Victorville, CA. we were going to stay at. This debate was observed by the Army staff that then proceeded to refer to us as certain parts of female anatomy. We then rapidly chose a hotel and departed the trailer and hanger; they were getting visibly upset. At that moment in time, I realized the Air Force is the way to go because up until then I had thought about getting out and going Army.

Posted by: BobF at April 9, 2006 10:40 AM

One Easter Sunday a Pastor at church tells the parishioners that they are in "The Army of the Lord". He then chastises all of those that only show up on Easter & Christmas. One of the parishioners stands and says..."I'm here twice a year 'cause I joined God's Secret Service"!

...I tried this on Mrs. "S" and it didn't work.

Posted by: Sierrahome at April 9, 2006 10:42 AM

Bob, hahaha thanks for sharing. Nick was in the Navy and he noticed the same thing.

Posted by: Wild Thing at April 9, 2006 11:52 AM

Sierrahome hahahahaha and she didn't fall for it? hahaha so funny.

Posted by: Wild Thing at April 9, 2006 11:53 AM

Some Army officers would have roughed it with the troops, others do as BobF observed. That difference shows in most everything the officers do.

These are some good jokes Wild Thing, mostly new ones for me. Fun!

Posted by: TomR at April 9, 2006 03:12 PM

First off a disclaimer. This is nowhere in the same class as the fabulous jokes WT posted BUT it DID happen and at the time I thought it was really
FUNNY. (still do)

While onboard the USS Diamond Head (AE-19)one Sunday when she was in port the following came
blaring over the 1-MC (ships PA system). "Now hear this. Captain's Mast will be held at 1000 hours at
the base chapel." Captains Mast is a form of Non Judicial Punishment conducted by the skipper. Anyway, I heard the announcement and shook my head since it WAS a bit strange. A few minutes later
a second announcement comes blaring over the 1-MC.
"Now hear this. Belay my last. That is, Catholic Mass will be held at 1000 hours at the base chapel."

I cracked up and in my minds eye I could just see some poor Seaman Apprentice (E-2) getting nicely reamed out by the OOD. I bet the OOD was laughing his ass off also, if only deep down inside.

There is some FUNNY SHIT going on in the military. On a daily basis! Maybe I'm prejudiced but I don't think the humor that comes out of any group of people can ever match that of the military. Perhaps it's the fact that being far away from home and family I think they tend to make their own humor. Kind of a way of surviving?

Posted by: SparkS at April 9, 2006 06:58 PM

Hi Tom, thank you.

Posted by: Wild Thing at April 10, 2006 12:22 AM

Hi SparkS hahaha that was a great story. Thanks for sharing it.

I agree it is a way of surviving.

Posted by: Wild Thing at April 10, 2006 12:25 AM

An Admiral and three Generals were discussing what takes guts while traveling on an aircraft carrier. The Admiral says, I’ll show you guts and orders a seaman to jump off the fantail of the carrier. The seaman jumps and the admiral says to his contemporaries, “that takes guts”. Leaving the carrier by helicopter in route to Fort Benning, the Marine General turns to a Marine Private and orders him to jump out of the helicopter. After the private jumps, the general turns to the others and says “that takes guts”. At Fort Benning while watching tanks on maneuvers, the Army General orders a corporal to stand in front of a moving tank. After the corporal gets run over, the general turns to the others and says “that takes guts”. Leaving Fort Benning by C-130, the Air Force General orders and airman to jump out of the plane with no parachute. The airman looks at the cargo door, then at the general and with middle finger raised says “UP YOURS, sir”. The General turns to the other flag officers and says “gentlemen, now that takes guts”. The others agreed with him.

Posted by: BobF at April 10, 2006 08:25 AM

Bob lmao love it! That is a good one.

Posted by: Wild Thing at April 10, 2006 03:52 PM

BobF a classic! Course being a swabbie I heard it a tad differently. The sailor was the last one and when told to jump he says "F********************ck You" to which the Adm tells the others. Now THAT takes balls.

Posted by: SparkS at April 11, 2006 03:59 AM