Theodore's World: Muslims: 'We Do That On First Dates'

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April 30, 2009

Muslims: 'We Do That On First Dates'

by Ann Coulter

Human Events

Without any pretense of an argument, which liberals are neurologically incapable of, the mainstream media are now asserting that our wussy interrogation techniques at Guantanamo constituted "torture" and have irreparably harmed America's image abroad.

Only the second of those alleged facts is true: The president's release of the Department of Justice interrogation memos undoubtedly hurt America's image abroad, as we are snickered at in capitals around the world, where they know what real torture is. The Arabs surely view these memos as a pack of lies. What about the pills Americans have to turn us gay?

The techniques used against the most stalwart al-Qaida members, such as Abu Zubaydah, included one terrifying procedure referred to as "the attention grasp." As described in horrifying detail in the Justice Department memo, the "attention grasp" consisted of:

"(G)rasping the individual with both hands, one hand on each side of the collar opening, in a controlled and quick motion. In the same motion as the grasp, the individual is drawn toward the interrogator."

The end.

There are rumors that Dick "Darth Vader" Cheney wanted to take away the interrogators' Altoids before they administered "the grasp," but Department of Justice lawyers deemed this too cruel.

And that's not all! As the torments were gradually increased, next up the interrogation ladder came "walling." This involves pushing the terrorist against a flexible wall, during which his "head and neck are supported with a rolled hood or towel that provides a C-collar effect to prevent whiplash."

People pay to have a lot rougher stuff done to them at Six Flags Great Adventure. Indeed, with plastic walls and soft neck collars, "walling" may be the world's first method of "torture" in which all the implements were made by Fisher-Price.

As the memo darkly notes, walling doesn't cause any pain, but is supposed to induce terror by making a "loud noise": "(T)he false wall is in part constructed to create a loud sound when the individual hits it, which will further shock and surprise." (!!!)

If you need a few minutes to compose yourself after being subjected to that horror, feel free to take a break from reading now. Sometimes a cold compress on the forehead is helpful, but don't let it drip or you might end up waterboarding yourself.

The CIA's interrogation techniques couldn't be more ridiculous if they were out of Monty Python's Spanish Inquisition sketch:

Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! ...
Hmm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch ... THE COMFY CHAIR!

So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! ...

Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at 11.

Further up the torture ladder -- from Guantanamo, not Monty Python -- comes the "insult slap," which is designed to be virtually painless, but involves the interrogator invading "the individual's personal space."

If that doesn't work, the interrogator shows up the next day wearing the same outfit as the terrorist. (Awkward.)

I will spare you the gruesome details of the CIA's other comical interrogation techniques and leap directly to the penultimate "torture" in their arsenal: the caterpillar.

In this unspeakable brutality, a harmless caterpillar is placed in the terrorist's cell. Justice Department lawyers expressly denied the interrogators' request to trick the terrorist into believing the caterpillar was a "stinging insect."

Human rights groups have variously described being trapped in a cell with a live caterpillar as "brutal," "soul-wrenching" and, of course, "adorable."

If the terrorist manages to survive the non-stinging caterpillar maneuver -- the most fiendish method of torture ever devised by the human mind that didn't involve being forced to watch "The View" -- CIA interrogators had another sadistic trick up their sleeves.

I am not at liberty to divulge the details, except to mention the procedure's terror-inducing name: "the ladybug."

Finally, the most savage interrogation technique at Guantanamo was "waterboarding," which is only slightly rougher than the Comfy Chair.

Tens of thousands of our troops were waterboarded over the past three decades as part of their training, but not until it was done to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed -- mastermind of the 9/11 attack on America -- were liberal consciences shocked.

I think they were mostly shocked because they couldn't figure out how Joey Buttafuoco ended up in Guantanamo.

As non-uniformed combatants, all of the detainees at Guantanamo could have been summarily shot on the battlefield under the Laws of War.

Instead, we gave them comfy chairs, free lawyers, better food than is served in Afghani caves, prayer rugs, recreational activities and top-flight medical care -- including one terrorist who was released, whereupon he rejoined the jihad against America, after being fitted for an expensive artificial leg at Guantanamo, courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer.

Only three terrorists -- who could have been shot -- were waterboarded. This is not nearly as bad as "snowboarding," which is known to cause massive buttocks pain and results in approximately 10 deaths per year.

Normal human beings -- especially those who grew up with my older brother, Jimmy -- can't read the interrogation memos without laughing.

At Al-Jazeera, they don't believe these interrogation memos are for real. Muslims look at them and say: THIS IS ALL THEY'RE DOING? We do that for practice. We do that to our friends.

But The New York Times is populated with people who can't believe they live in a country where people would put a caterpillar in a terrorist's cell.


Wild Thing's comment.........

Another winner by Ann. I love her humor that she adds and the title is perfect.

Posted by Wild Thing at April 30, 2009 05:40 AM


I always like watching and hearing her. She takes no guff from anyone she talks to.
Bob A.

Posted by: Bob A at April 30, 2009 07:07 AM

Don't let the left-turds know about the pre-PC/pre-coed way we crossed the equator on a Man-of-War. Not to mention the Aircrew and SpecOps personnel who have gone throuhg SERE school.
But in their twisted minds, it's OK for a towel headed piece of terrorist garbage to throw feces, urine and whatever at a guard. Sad set of priorities, indeed.

Posted by: Glenn Cassel AMH1(AW) USN RET at April 30, 2009 08:13 AM

I thought we were supposed to win the war. But that was before the Democrats came to power.

Nobody mentions what happens to prisoners of the muslims.

Posted by: TomR at April 30, 2009 11:28 AM

We should remember that Monty Python could escalate to the Fish Slap Dance. Oh the Inhumanity! Imagine the horror of BHO if Three Stooges’ methods were in use! My elementary school playground was tougher, it just did not go on as long.

I thought the south side of Chicago, where Obama lives, in the words of the song, was "the baddest part of town." How did we get this clueless shrub? He is mean and petty without knowing what evil he is doing.

If we outsource the questioning to bidders from an area ten miles or less from Obama's Chicago house it would have the additional benefit of not needing to return bodies to the Middle East. Pair of cement overshoes and a trip out on Lake Michigan and they talk or else. “Or else what?” “Honest judge last time we saw Mohamed he was having a vigorous swim in the lake.”

Posted by: Avitar at April 30, 2009 01:00 PM

A serious point:
Ann is a degreed lawyer and she is absolutely right:

"As non-uniformed combatants, all of the detainees at Guantanamo could have been summarily shot on the battlefield under the Laws of War."

As much as MSM whine the laws of war have not been changed. The famous execution on camera during the TET offensive was the administration of full rights under Geneva Conventions. Gitmo is already above and beyond the Geneva Conventions.

Posted by: Avitar at April 30, 2009 01:13 PM

Get the hell out of the UN!!!

Posted by: Jack at April 30, 2009 01:46 PM

Maybe we could sell the UN, and the new owners will kick the current occupants out. Ha, then where would they go, Zimbawe ? Yeah, right.

Posted by: Mark at April 30, 2009 07:26 PM

Maybe it's time to review some Stolen Valor as to why I dispise Obama and the Democrat Party, including this betrayal.

"August 1973; US Congress passes the Case - Church Amendment which forbids, US naval forces from sailing on the seas surrounding, US ground forces from operating on the land of, and US air forces from flying in the air over, South Vietnam, North Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos. Case - Church was in effect an unconditional guarantee, by the US Congress to the North Vietnamese communists, that the United States would no longer oppose their efforts to conquer South Vietnam. This Act effectively nullified the Paris Peace Agreements. The communists had won on the floors of the US Congress, what they could not possibly have won on the battlefields of Vietnam. "

"This same Congress then turned around and abandoned America's former ally, South Vietnam. Should America feel shame? Yes! Why? For kowtowing to the wishes of those craven anti-war / draft dodging voting hoards, and for bugging out and abandoning an ally that America had promised to protect."

"A formal Declaration of War is an act which alters the judicial state of the nation. It not only provides measures for control of the press, but also to handle public dissent and deal effectively with traitors. Declaring War does not mean we have to impose martial law, reinstate universal conscription or launch the nukes. Control of the press in wartime is not for protection of the government. It's for the protection of our soldiers. Control of the press does not mean absolute control. Only their reporting from the War zone, and their treatment of our enemies. The Constitution guarantees a free press, but not a responsible press. During WW II all news dispatches from the battlefields (in fact not only news dispatches but personal letters from the soldiers as well) were censored, and, the US media was not allowed to publish the picture of a single dead American GI, until after the Normandy invasion (D-Day, 1944) was successful."

Posted by: Jack at May 1, 2009 12:02 AM

Bob A., I agree, she has a great way of
letting them know they can't get to her.

Posted by: Wild Thing at May 1, 2009 12:10 AM

Glenn Cassel AMH1(AW) USN RET, it sure is
a sad set of priorities.

Posted by: Wild Thing at May 1, 2009 12:13 AM

Tom, good point, I don't remember the
oh what is it called Human Rights.. yes
I don't think they wanted anything to
do with the prisoners of the muslims.

Posted by: Wild Thing at May 1, 2009 12:16 AM

Avitar, LOL good one. Hahahahha

Posted by: Wild Thing at May 1, 2009 12:18 AM

Avitar, your righti about MSM and thank you
too for mentioning the photo shot of that.

Posted by: Wild Thing at May 1, 2009 12:24 AM

Jack, YESSSSSsss

I have had it with the UN.

Posted by: Wild Thing at May 1, 2009 12:26 AM

Mark, LOL good one. Maybe China
would buy the UN and we could pay off
our countries debt that way. hahaaha

Posted by: Wild Thing at May 1, 2009 12:28 AM

Jack,thank you, that was excellent.

"The communists had won on the floors of the US Congress, what they could not possibly have won on the battlefields of Vietnam."

Posted by: Wild Thing at May 1, 2009 12:31 AM